It was eight o’clock Halloween night, 2002. I was nine months pregnant with Deputy Barney and W was three then, singing and splashing around in his bath when the phone rang. I closed the door to the bathroom when I went to answer it.
“Hello…”
“B, it’s your mother.” She was crying. I knew that Dad’s battle with sclerosis of the liver had ended.
“What happened, Mom?”
“It’s…it’s not your Dad…It…it’s Jay. He’s dead.”
Jay was my older brother.
“Oh no, Mom. What happened?”
“A car wreck….”
I was absolutely devastated. I felt like there was an gigantic elephant standing on my chest and if I were to let my breath out, I would never be able to draw another one. Why Jay? Why not Dad, he was the one suffering. Why now? Wasn’t a job transfer, selling a house, having a baby and a sick Dad enough for one family to deal with? My relationship with God was an infant at most, at that point. To tell you the truth, I didn’t know if it would survive my anger with this loss.
I got off the phone and put in a quick call to Ben to tell him, then got busy getting W out of the tub and into some jammies for a midnight drive to Nebraska. I was trying not to cry and just kept saying over and over to myself, “Oh, God, I don’t know if I can do this…”
“Mo Mo (Elmo) slippers, please,” W said around his finger he was sucking.
He loved his Elmo slippers. He couldn’t put them on by himself, no matter how long he tried, but regardless he loved them. The phone rang again and I said, “W, you’ll have to try to get the slippers on all by yourself. You can do it.” He started crying and saying “I can’t.” I left the room, closing the door again to answer the phone.
It was Ben telling me he could have all the time off we needed and that he would be home soon to drive us to Nebraska.
When I got back into W’s room. The Mo Mo slippers were on. W sat happily bouncing his foot and sucking his finger.
“Oh, Babe, you got them on all by yourself. Good for you…”
“Yeah, Uncle Jaybird helped me.”
“What?” I said, gasping for air and looking around at the empty room.
“Uncle Jaybird helped me, cause I couldn’t do it myself.”
“He did?”
“Yeah,” he said softly, totally content.
“Where is Uncle Jaybird now?”
W giggled, pulled his wet finger from his mouth to point beside me and said, “He’s right there, Monnie.”
“How does he look?” I whispered.
“Fine.”
“Does–does he look broken?” I choked.
“No, he looks whole.” W said.
He looks whole. The exact words I needed to hear right then. I couldn’t imagine my vivacious brother, being thrown from a vehicle and broken beyond belief by the impact of landing a long ways from his car. Whole, I thought. I wish I were whole. I’ll never be whole again.
“Is he still here?” I asked, wanting to throw my arms around the air and hug tightly, never to let go.
“Yes, W said giggling again. Can’t you see him?”
“No. What’s he doing?”
“Smiling.”
It was right at that moment I knew I was going to make it. Even though I was beyond sad and on the verge of total collapse, death was no boundary for God.
Two Bible verses popped into my mind. Verses I had hidden away in my heart as a child, then forgotten.
“You shall mount up on the wings of eagles…you shall run and not grow weary…For the LORD, your God, is with you.” and “My grace is sufficient for you…for MY power is my great in your weakness.” (My paraphrase.)
That was just God telling me: neither death nor life, angels or demons, past, present, or future could keep me, Jay or anyone for that matter, from his love. And whatever box, in all my humanness, I had built around Him, was no bounds for His greatness.
That was seven years ago.
I still miss my brother. Some days I feel cheated that my kids and grand kids will never know his humor and love for life. I don’t know why some people’s days are shorter than others. I don’t know why bad things sometimes happen to good people. I don’t understand why there are so many people who have babies they don’t want, when there’s so many who want babies they can never have. I don’t know why.
I have come to know God’s perspective is way different that mine. The Bible says ‘My ways are not your ways…’ Duh! That statement isn’t enough for me some days. I still want to know why. I try to read the Bible everyday. Some days that leaves me with peace but no answers. After I read the fiction book ”The Shack” (I reviewed it here) I gained understanding. Through the words of that book, I now understand that God is three persons, in one. I know, as humans, we are limited to the three dimensions of this life, but someday we will see and understand the perpetual dimensions of eternity. I’ve come to know, this side of heaven, this human won’t have all the answers. At best, this sinner, will have a relationship with a compassionate God who sheds his love and grace on me when I most need His mercy. And, as promised, has never given more than I can handle.
That faith, in these truths, my friends, is simply enough!
Sis
PS ~ I don’t collect much stuff. The one thing I do collect is stories, like this one. If you have one PLEASE share it with me. Write it down in an email and send it to me sis(at)reclaimsimplicity.com. In the process I hope you find God’s peace.
Tags: and God showed up, Christian, coping with loss, death, dying, God, God things, grief, interview with God, loss, lost love, Sis's Secrets, when bad things happen to good people, why God
Thank you, that was beautiful.
Sarah–thank you so much for your kind words. It was hard to write and even harder to share. But I think the greatest things in life are. Thanks for stopping and sharing your words.
Many Blessings.
Sis
Thank you so much for this story. I lost my brother a little under two years ago and still to this day question God as to why. The day after he died God reminded me to be thankful in all circumstances. That has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do – After all, how can you be thankful when God has taken someone that you love? I was thankful for the time that we had shared, but for a long time I couldn’t see beyond that. I soon realized that God is greater than everything and that He was still completely in control of my life. Trusting Him, without knowing everything or the reasons behind why He does things though, for a perfectionist and control freak like myself
has been stretching. I thank God for His very evident hand in my life and know that I can trust Him whole-heartedly, even through the bad times. That is a peace that no one can understand.
Robyn–I’m so sorry for your loss. Your comments rock me to the core. I guess I failed to mention I too, am a control freak and perfectionist.
Thanks for your heartfelt reflections. Peace and trust–truely can be elusive and hard to come by, until you you let go and let God. Many blessings, Sister. Love, Sis
Sis, I know how hard this had to be for you to write and share. I still remember the day too and remember how strong your family had to be. Sharing this story will help someone else dealing with grief – that is how life and death works. You have a gift for putting your words together.
Thank you for this reminder to me today to be thankful for all we have and that it is a gift.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I always asked why. Especially recently- stillbirth at 33wks (been 2 months), client & associates telling me I’m a fraud (long story), and so much more (you’d think the first two would be enough!) I don’t want to burden you wonderful folks with. Funny, the more I go through the less I ask why and accept this world is illusion and reality is far more beautiful than we can even imagine. If we can just embrace our God we can see it. I needed a reminder that we all go through so much and we have to look to Jesus.
It wasn’t my brother that my family lost but my 19 year old cousin Rusty, he left behind 2 babies under 2 and wife. This post helps me remember that my family is not alone in grieving for our lost.
Donna–I was never so glad to have life long friends like you. That comforts more than you can imagine. Gifts. The best ones surround us every day and they come in the form of family. Hold tightly to yours, just like you do.
Emily–truely sorry about your loss. You are doing the right thing by holding tight to Jesus. His amazing grace will carry you, I promise.
Bobbi–people are never alone in grief. Never. Only in America do we as humans not slow down to grieve. So take your time to heal and love yourself and the folks around you.
Thanks for sharing gals. May your hearts heal completely.
Sis
That’s a great article. I hope it helps lots of folks and that you hear from many. It’s funny how it never goes away. “M”
I am so sorry for your loss. It really puts things into prospective. I truly beleive sometimes God blesses you with quality if he takes away quantity.May God bless and keep your family.
Reading this sideswiped me. It’s been 14 years since my 18 year old brother died the same way. Sometimes I think I’ve forgotten him, the way my life has gone on, raising my own munchkins. and then it hits, out of the blue, cleans your clock yet once again, and you realize you are a different person because of your loss and His providence.
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This story pulls at the strings of my heart, for I have lost a loved one as I’m sure many others who have read this story. Yet its the story in the story that touches me, and that story is Jesus will always be with us, we are never alone. This includes believers and non-believers alike, as is shown Romans 5:8; “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ dies for us.” Hallelujah
David~ Thanks for stopping by and taking some time to read this. I debated a long time about sharing, but in the end, decided that it really wasn’t about me. It’s about Him, a great God who sacrificed big time to show us what true love is.
I love living in that love.
Blessings my brother!
Sis
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