It was eight o’clock Halloween night, 2002. I was nine months pregnant with Deputy Barney and W was three then, singing and splashing around in his bath when the phone rang. I closed the door to the bathroom when I went to answer it.

“Hello…”

“B, it’s your mother.” She was crying. I knew that Dad’s battle with sclerosis of the liver had ended.

“What happened, Mom?”

“It’s…it’s not your Dad…It…it’s Jay. He’s dead.”

Jay was my older brother.

“Oh no, Mom. What happened?”

“A car wreck….”

I was absolutely devastated. I felt like there was an gigantic elephant standing on my chest and if I were to let my breath out, I would never be able to draw another one. Why Jay? Why not Dad, he was the one suffering. Why now? Wasn’t a job transfer, selling a house, having a baby and a sick Dad enough for one family to deal with? My relationship with God was an infant at most, at that point. To tell you the truth, I didn’t know if it would survive my anger with this loss.

I got off the phone and put in a quick call to Ben to tell him, then got busy getting W out of the tub and into some jammies for a midnight drive to Nebraska. I was trying not to cry and just kept saying over and over to myself, “Oh, God, I don’t know if I can do this…”

“Mo Mo (Elmo) slippers, please,” W said around his finger he was sucking.

He loved his Elmo slippers. He couldn’t put them on by himself, no matter how long he tried, but regardless he loved them. The phone rang again and I said, “W, you’ll have to try to get the slippers on all by yourself. You can do it.” He started crying and saying “I can’t.” I left the room, closing the door again to answer the phone.

It was Ben telling me he could have all the time off we needed and that he would be home soon to drive us to Nebraska.

When I got back into W’s room. The Mo Mo slippers were on. W sat happily bouncing his foot and sucking his finger.

“Oh, Babe, you got them on all by yourself. Good for you…”

“Yeah, Uncle Jaybird helped me.”

“What?” I said, gasping for air and looking around at the empty room.

“Uncle Jaybird helped me, cause I couldn’t do it myself.”

“He did?”

“Yeah,” he said softly, totally content.

“Where is Uncle Jaybird now?”

W giggled, pulled his wet finger from his mouth to point beside me and said, “He’s right there, Monnie.”

“How does he look?” I whispered.

“Fine.”

“Does–does he look broken?” I choked.

“No, he looks whole.” W said.

He looks whole. The exact words I needed to hear right then. I couldn’t imagine my vivacious brother, being thrown from a vehicle and broken beyond belief by the impact of landing a long ways from his car. Whole, I thought. I wish I were whole. I’ll never be whole again.

“Is he still here?” I asked, wanting to throw my arms around the air and hug tightly, never to let go.

“Yes, W said giggling again. Can’t you see him?”

“No. What’s he doing?”

“Smiling.”

It was right at that moment I knew I was going to make it. Even though I was beyond sad and on the verge of total collapse, death was no boundary for God.

Two Bible verses popped into my mind. Verses I had hidden away in my heart as a child, then forgotten.

“You shall mount up on the wings of eagles…you shall run and not grow weary…For the LORD, your God, is with you.” and “My grace is sufficient for you…for MY power is my great in your weakness.” (My paraphrase.)

That was just God telling me: neither death nor life, angels or demons, past, present, or future could keep me, Jay or anyone for that matter, from his love. And whatever box, in all my humanness, I had built around Him, was no bounds for His greatness.

That was seven years ago.

I still miss my brother. Some days I feel cheated that my kids and grand kids will never know his humor and love for life. I don’t know why some people’s days are shorter than others. I don’t know why bad things sometimes happen to good people. I don’t understand why there are so many people who have babies they don’t want, when there’s so many who want babies they can never have. I don’t know why.

I have come to know God’s perspective is way different that mine. The Bible says ‘My ways are not your ways…’ Duh! That statement isn’t enough for me some days. I still want to know why. I try to read the Bible everyday. Some days that leaves me with peace but no answers. After I read the fiction book ”The Shack” (I reviewed it here) I gained understanding. Through the words of that book, I now understand that God is three persons, in one. I know, as humans, we are limited to the three dimensions of this life, but someday we will see and understand the perpetual dimensions of eternity. I’ve come to know, this side of heaven, this human won’t have all the answers. At best, this sinner, will have a relationship with a compassionate God who sheds his love and grace on me when I most need His mercy. And, as promised, has never given more than I can handle.

That faith, in these truths, my friends, is simply enough!

Sis

PS ~ I don’t collect much stuff. The one thing I do collect is stories, like this one. If you have one PLEASE share it with me. Write it down in an email and send it to me sis(at)reclaimsimplicity.com. In the process I hope you find God’s peace.