You’re bound to meet her at some point, so I may as well just introduce you to SINthia. She’s, me personified. My evil twin. My alter ego. SHE is what happens in Vegas. I can’t stand her, even her name drives me crazy. It certainly fits, though, it sounds like the low down slithery snake she is. I think bushwhack and sabotage must be her middle names. There’s a lot of reasons I don’t like her, but the biggest reason is her behavior. She’s totally irresponsible. It just makes me want to twist off. But, what I really hate about her, she has waaaay more fun than I do.

The Redneck G String

Case in point: a couple years ago she decided she was going to be sexy, like a Victoria Secrets underwear model. So SHE took some of My old Wranglers and made them into daisy dukes with cute little frayed edges. Then she cut the back out into some strange G string looking, uummm I don’t know negligee thingy. That’s just the beginning. THEN she took two red bandannas and made some sort of bikini top out of that (don’t ask me how…) Then I didn’t see her for a while. Thank God!

She showed up later, though, after the kids were in bed, of course. When the work is done, here she comes, taunting me to wear that stupid sexy outfit to bed. And I listened to her. STUPID! I should have known where all this was heading, when 30 minutes later I’m lying on the floor of the bathroom sweating all my carefully applied make-up off trying to get her redneck G string and booger bag bikini top on and Ben knocks at the door. SHOOT! I try to calm myself by at least getting up off the floor and opening the door a crack to assure Ben everything is okay.

“…I just need to brush my teeth and th….what’s in your hair…what have you been doing?”

I slammed the door in his face and glanced into the mirror.

Dust bunnies! DANG IT! So much for my french twist up do with sexy little hangy downs.

I’m gonna kill SINthia when I see her again, I muttered. I’ll be out in a minute…why don’t you just skip your teeth tonight, Honey, I won’t tell the tooth fairy…

“Just let me in.”

I grabbed my robe, put it on and opened the door.

“Was that so hard?”

You’ll think hard, later mister, I thought, and stormed out of the bathroom and hurried into our room to light some candles to make this a night he would never forget.

I was right about THAT, he’s never forgotten…When the robe finally came off, and I struck my sexiest pose. (Oh dear) If you picture Ellie May off the Beverly Hillbillies crossed with a retired nightclub dancer….you might get close. The look on Ben’s face was PRICELESS.

“Is THAT what you have been doing in the bathroom all night?”

[HA HA HA HA HA...Ben actually rolling around on our bed GUT laughing--HA HA HA Ben still laughing--HA HA HA--Ben can't breathe for all the laughing] “What IS that thing? Turn around! Where did you get an idea like THAT?”

SINthia, where do you think?

I didn’t know whether to laugh, cry or fall on my sword. Death was sounding better by the minute. But, I just started taking off SINthia’s LOVE costume and sniffed, You don’t like it?

Ben said, “No…I mean…I love it…I love her…It’s just…I didn’t expect it.” [Ha ha ha] “I told you in the beginning, nothing turns me on more than a pair of Wranglers in a pile by the bed…” [Pausing mid thought to wipe more tears out of his eyes]

All I could hear was SINthia’s slimy snickers. And there’s nothing that kills a mood quicker than that.

To make matters worse. I went looking for my redneck G string to take a picture of it to show you. (I’ve come this far…I might as well.) I didn’t find it. I’m pretty sure SINthia gave it to Goodwill after cleaning out my drawers. She probably wrote my name and phone number in them too, that would be just like her. Now I’m really embarrassed.

Simply,

Sis

SINthia

P.S. That’s right, it’s me. I’ve commandeered Sis’s computer for the day. She caught me posting this and took off for much prayer and penance, I guess, the ninny, I don’t know what she does. What a prude. I guess she doesn’t understand grace. After this little stunt, you probably won’t hear from me for a while. But, I’ll be back. Somebody has got to put some spice in her life.  Later!